Saturday, 13 June 2009

A PHONE CALL FROM ED BALLS


Ed Balls was very pleased with my report into Home Education. But that's no more than I would have expected (I am an expert, after all!)

He rang me as soon as he'd received it. "Badders, old chap!" he exclaimed (I do wish he wouldn't call me that...) "Just the ticket, mate!" (....mate..!!?!)

Anyway, it looks like HM Gov. will put all of my proposals into practice, which is no more than to be expected (I am an expert).

If there's one thing I really can't stand it's amateurs (I think they refer to themselves as 'parents') believing they know what's best for children.

The teaching profession was created for a very good reason and has been serving the best interests of children since its inception. How could these lentil-weaving, tree-hugging, dole-scrounging, home educators possibly believe the education they provide is equal? They don't have teaching qualifications!!! End of discussion...

Just look at the product of our secondary school system. Young adults, well-adjusted, peaceful, dedicated to the achievement of true excellence, which as you know can only be measured by examination results.

I explained all of this to Ed Balls on the phone, but I don't think he got it.

"Yeah, yeah, very interesting, Badders, but basically your report provided the whitewash we needed to force through legislation we had already prepared..."

"Whitewash?"

"Yeah, mate. Whitewash... It's a Government term for a full and balanced report by an expert chosen by the Government."

"I'm not sure I understand.... What are you implying. Because, I AM an expert you know..."

"Yeah, but only in state education."

This confused me. But Ed went on to elaborate;

"I mean how many kids have you personally home educated, Badders?"

I was deeply offended. What an outrageous and ugly suggestion.

"NONE!" I said, somewhat forcefully.

"Exactly! So you're not really an expert on education per se, are you? If we'd wanted a balanced report we'd never have asked you in the first place. We'd have also involved home educators in the process!"

I was beginning to get more and more confused.

"But I am an expert.....!"

"Yeah, yeah. We've been through all that."

"But what you're suggesting I've done would be similar to asking David Cameron to decide Labour party policy..."

"Yeah, exactly!"

"Or Abu Hamza to suggest changes to the Jewish religion...."

".....er.....yeah....... Look, must go. People to see, human rights to trample on, I'm sure you know the kind of thing. Bye, Badders, speak soon."

"Um, er, yes, right. Well if I could just say....."

"Missing you already." *CLICK*

I went into the lounge a little unsettled. Not something I'm used to at all. My wife called through to ask if I'd like ham or cheese sandwiches. She always asks me for guidance. I am an expert you see.

My head was still spinning when she placed the plate in front of me. So much so, I forgot to give her marks for food preparation and presentation.

"Cheer up, Badders!" she said. (I do wish she wouldn't call me that)...

21 comments:

  1. Cheer up, Badders! I'm sure you'll be properly awarded and they'll have to call you Lord Badders soon.

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  2. I was betting on a knighthood myself...

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  3. If it wasn't so tragic and true it'd be hilarious, but then I am an ...amateur you know, some people call me a parent!

    Well written, old chap, I'd give you marks out of ten, but then, I don't do that sort of thing. ; )

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  4. Only one post so far, Mr Badman? Tsk, this won't do. I'm sure your plan for 2009 detailed at least 52 posts. Now, I need to ask you some questions about the exact amount of research you did for this. No, I'm afraid your wife will have to stop holding your hand and leave the room. (Where's my eCAF machine..?)

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  5. Outcomes Mr Badman You forgot the outcomes Research is not research if it does not consider the outcomes

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  6. I hope you don't mind my aping you, Badders. I can call you that, can't I? We are old friends after all. The opportunity to set up my own little territory within the digital universe was simply too good to miss. Something we both know about in any case! I'll be in touch. Digitally yours, Prof.

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  7. My autonomous brain can't comprehend. Badman isn't an expert on my own mind?..oh nooo meltdown!

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  8. Oh dear Badders It's hard being an expert.

    Cap'n Heppell I like your style.

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  9. We can see that you were against Home Ed. before you started the review..and totally ignorant of it`s results and it`s merits.After conducting a "review" you ended up just as ignorant as you started.
    This review is a disgrace.

    Kids who succeed in school do so because of parental learning support at home.Kids who fail in school don`t have that.Therefore it is clear that parents are the reason for the great success of Home Education.

    Never conduct a review with fixed ideas.It looks bad.

    Sam

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  10. Just a message from Mrs Badders, she has taken refuge at an undisclosed address.
    She realised too late that she did not in fact have any ham, and that therefore your lunch would not reach the desired outcomes.
    Shaken to the core at the realisation that she could in no way guarantee that this lunch would be economically successful, healthy, safe (not sure how long that mayo's been in the fridge) nor that it would be enjoyable or come to that in the absence of the blooming ham even achievable, she has made a positive contribution and ... erm ... left.
    She now feels maybe you could carry on being married purely by some sort of IT interface?
    She'll tweet you when she gets a minute.

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  11. Congratulations on your new post in Haringey.

    Best wishes

    Jane

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  12. I back you up 110% on the Polo Mints. Filthy habit.

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  13. Hey there Mr Badders, Do you teach your students to base their work on assumptions too. Jolly good, now they too can be as clever, eloquent and honest as you. Well done.

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  14. Hello Gordie B here aka primeminister. Do you know i had to go to the opticians today! i had lack of vision and i couldn't see past the end of my nose. The optometrist suggested that if i quit as primeminister things would improve. I asked her to explain, how could this be. She said it wouldn't help me but everyone elses outlook would improve.

    Anyway Badass, I'm off to pump some iron and eat my five portions of fruit. I have to keep my fine figure and positive mental state in tip top condition. I think we should just scrap the education system altogether and use me as the positive role model i am. Lead by example thats my moto. You won't catch me robbing anyone or stabbing them in the back eh. Yes i'm down with the massive, with my good looks and charm i will lead the young along the right path and if not i will just import some that want to! I must remember to pop in the dry cleaners and get out that coat hanger i put yesterday, i have an important meeting tomorow and must look my smiley best, where would i be without it.

    INCREASE THE PEACE BRUV!

    Gordie B

    ReplyDelete
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