He rang me as soon as he'd received it. "Badders, old chap!" he exclaimed (I do wish he wouldn't call me that...) "Just the ticket, mate!" (....mate..!!?!)
Anyway, it looks like HM Gov. will put all of my proposals into practice, which is no more than to be expected (I am an expert).
If there's one thing I really can't stand it's amateurs (I think they refer to themselves as 'parents') believing they know what's best for children.
The teaching profession was created for a very good reason and has been serving the best interests of children since its inception. How could these lentil-weaving, tree-hugging, dole-scrounging, home educators possibly believe the education they provide is equal? They don't have teaching qualifications!!! End of discussion...
Just look at the product of our secondary school system. Young adults, well-adjusted, peaceful, dedicated to the achievement of true excellence, which as you know can only be measured by examination results.
I explained all of this to Ed Balls on the phone, but I don't think he got it.
"Yeah, yeah, very interesting, Badders, but basically your report provided the whitewash we needed to force through legislation we had already prepared..."
"Yeah, mate. Whitewash... It's a Government term for a full and balanced report by an expert chosen by the Government."
"I'm not sure I understand.... What are you implying. Because, I AM an expert you know..."
"Yeah, but only in state education."
This confused me. But Ed went on to elaborate;
"I mean how many kids have you personally home educated, Badders?"
I was deeply offended. What an outrageous and ugly suggestion.
"NONE!" I said, somewhat forcefully.
"Exactly! So you're not really an expert on education per se, are you? If we'd wanted a balanced report we'd never have asked you in the first place. We'd have also involved home educators in the process!"
I was beginning to get more and more confused.
"But I am an expert.....!"
"Yeah, yeah. We've been through all that."
"But what you're suggesting I've done would be similar to asking David Cameron to decide Labour party policy..."
"Or Abu Hamza to suggest changes to the Jewish religion...."
".....er.....yeah....... Look, must go. People to see, human rights to trample on, I'm sure you know the kind of thing. Bye, Badders, speak soon."
"Um, er, yes, right. Well if I could just say....."
"Missing you already." *CLICK*
I went into the lounge a little unsettled. Not something I'm used to at all. My wife called through to ask if I'd like ham or cheese sandwiches. She always asks me for guidance. I am an expert you see.
My head was still spinning when she placed the plate in front of me. So much so, I forgot to give her marks for food preparation and presentation.
"Cheer up, Badders!" she said. (I do wish she wouldn't call me that)...